Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
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I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31