FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
put ‘er there pardner!
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.