Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
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So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.