My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
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professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Just me?
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.