The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
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Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon