At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
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“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
same bro
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.