It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you