*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
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I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
$4 #usedbooks
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
President The Rock Obama
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot