[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*