*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
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* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”