if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
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Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
don’t we all
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks