We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
You Might Also Like
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball