They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Lmfaoooooo
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵