In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
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[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED