try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
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(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Best spot.. 😅
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.