Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
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Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Storm Tropical Storm
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.