me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing