Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“TGIM!” – My liver
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.