don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
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My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this