I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.