Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille