why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
You Might Also Like
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
then why did i get this email
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.