*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
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44.65
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45.01~ gas pumps
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.