Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
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Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!