In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
just make the entire table out of coaster
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
I wish this was real life…
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”