Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
The three genders.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!