Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
You Might Also Like
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days