*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
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People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Current mood: Potato
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.