Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
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Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino