[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
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bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Good morning y’all ☀️
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision