Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
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Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson