Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
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Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Storm Tropical Storm
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.