Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Unimpressed
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE