Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
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Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Very good! 👍😂
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!