Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
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“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense