Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
You Might Also Like
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Help Wanted
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.