Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Never forget.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
a lot to unpack here
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?