Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
You Might Also Like
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.