Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Guantanamo Bae
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
PARKOUR
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
My kitchen overserved me.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers