The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
You Might Also Like
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Rich people don’t understand cereal
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material