Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
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A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.