I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed