I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
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[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Legend 🤣🤣
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.