Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
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The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.