Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
You Might Also Like
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it