I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
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Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.