[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
You Might Also Like
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries