MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
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Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“What movie?” 🤔
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
No one :
Me when I swimming :