My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?