He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
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Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
plums roundup
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich